Wednesday, August 17, 2011

No Fetal Pole

This morning I went for my first ultrasound of this pregnancy. I got undressed and up on the table. The sonographer came in and was quite pleasant while we chit chatted a bit as she prepared the ultrasound probe. I talked about my kids and how excited Harris was to have a new sibling on the way. She was taking some measurements and nodding to my stories. I didn't even look at the screen except for when she told me that I had a half full bladder that she wanted me to empty because it was impeding her view. I shuffled down the hallway, covered in my paper drape. Upon returning, she took some more measurements and I kept chatting away, waiting for her to tell me to look at something. After about 12 minutes, she pointed to something on the screen. You know, a blur, a blob, or a smudge. What I saw was a roundish circle. And that was it. She turned to me and said "I see the gestational sac but no fetal pole". "Oh, OK" was my response. She stood up quickly and told me to get dressed- that she would meet me outside. It wasn't until I got to the consult room that I realized what a fetal pole was. THE BABY! Basically, this woman had just told me that she did not see a baby in my uterus.

My RE came in and softly laid it out. There was essentially something wrong with the chromosomes of my embryo, and while it did implant after the transfer, the gestational sac and beginnings of a placenta continued to form, while the yolk sac and fetus did not. This is also (what I found out later after my own research) called a blighted ovum. After a deep sigh, I simply said "ok, what do we do now?" He explained my options. I could either
1. Wait it out and allow my body to go naturally into the miscarriage
2. Take a suppository that would make my uterus contract in such a way that I would expel the tissue within a few hours
3. Get a D&C performed

I am not into really invasive procedures unless necessary, so I new I didn't want a D&C. I also knew that, if this was really the end of the pregnancy, then I just wanted to wipe the slate clean, and be done with it, so I wasn't really into the whole 'waiting 2 to 7 weeks for my body to take care of business' bit. I opted for the suppositories. He saluted me for being a forward thinker, and thanking my lucky stars that we caught this situation early, as opposed to growing more and more attached to the pregnancy, and finding out later.

The medical assistant came in the the prescription and instructions. I thanked her and left, waving cheerfully at all the girls in the office that I have grown to know and like. Can you sense the denial here? I got to my car, and called first my midwife. I had to cancel the appointment we had scheduled for 4pm. The next call went to my parents. I had been speaking to my mom right before the ultrasound, and she wanted to know how things went. After that, I called Mindi's mom. I drove straight to the pharmacy. After dropping off the prescription, I called Kat. Supportive as always (as are all of my friends) she helped me talk it out simply to one last person before having to tell my wife, Mindi.

I got home. Mindi was smiling. I blurted out "there's no fetal pole". She didn't say anything, but the look on her face told me she thought I was joking when I quickly followed it up with "there is no baby". I sat on the couch, feeling drunk and exhausted, and explained it. We had a moment, and then went our separate ways in the house, as she had to go back to work, and I had to be a momma to Stella. I sat on the living room chair in a heap. Kat called me back. She started saying something..."...are they sure..... Dr. Google....maybe a mistake.....misdiagnosis....are you sure..." As much as I love Kat, had she been standing next to me in the room, I might have punched her in the shoulder. You know how it goes- your kid has a runny nose, you run to doctor google, and before you know it, you are convinced that your child has a rare form of hypothermia brought on by the breeze made by a rare bird's wing, last diagnosed in 1875 by some French Doctor whilst visiting Greece. Ok, a little exaggeration- but you get the point. I vowed to her that I trusted my Doctor, and that was the end of the conversation.

To Be Continued...

14 comments:

  1. long time follower - first time commenter wanting to say how sorry I am. Sending you good thoughts and ease for the days to come.

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  2. Oh, Lynn, I'm so sorry. I'll be keeping you in my prayers

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  3. i have to admit i felt like a dumbass calling you after consulting doctor google. i went back and forth about whether i should call. then i thought, there is always a chance and i had to let you know what i saw.
    we love you. feel free to punch me next time i see you ;)

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  4. I feel you, I had a blighted ovum in February, and Miscarried last Friday...it sucks
    I'm very deeply sorry, and i know nothing eases pain, but you also have your sun shines to get you through this...

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  5. Oh Lynn, I'm so sorry. I'm sending you a big virtual hug. You will get through this friend. Much much love and strength being sent your way.

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