Saturday, August 20, 2011

The News

This morning, after waking up, I snuggled with Harris on the couch. He is such a sweet boy with his mamas. He rolled over on top of me, lifted my shirt and kissed my tummy. "Good morning little brother or sister" he said in a sweet, yet completely serious voice. In that moment, I wanted to die.

We haven't told him yet that there is not a baby there. I might not actually tell him, but I feel guilty at the same time. He is so excited, but then I also think that because he is only 3.5, he probably wouldn't notice if the baby took an extra 2 months to bake...

Like many have said before me, I know that this miscarriage is not my fault. I know that there is nothing that I could have done or not done to change the outcome, but I can't help but feel like I have stolen something from my family. Like I took a gift away from Harris that I had just barely handed to him. It actually feels like the same kind of mourning I had right before Stella was born. The feeling that I was taking something away from Harris by adding another child to our lives. I mourned the loss of time and attention I knew he would no longer get, and as much as I knew how much joy a sibling could bring to his life, I felt like I was taking something away instead.

The second round of pills did even less than the first. I took them, and absolutely nothing happened. No cramps at all, no bleeding at all. To think- all of that good vicodin, going to waste. Tisk tisk tisk.

I have a D&C scheduled for Monday morning, bright and early. I just want it to be over. I just want to switch back from "damage control" to "optimistically trying to conceive".

Someone pass me the tissues, eh?


  1. I've been away from the computer for a while, so this is the first I'm seeing this. I'm so, so sorry. :(

  2. Ugh, Im so sorry. You have a wonderful family and you are amazing parents, I have complete faith that you will find the best way for everyone to handle this loss. Call me if you need anything.

  3. I'm so sorry Lynn. My thoughts are with you and Mindi and the kids. <3

  4. That is the sweetest thing i've ever heard.

  5. Catching up after being away for a bit... So sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I had a blighted ovum too, ended up with a d&c which wasn't too bad physically, just painful to my heart, esp before the surgery when everyone kept asking if I knew what procedure I was having done. Assholes, read the damn chart! I hope your experience was better and you recover quickly (physically, I know emotionally these things always stay with us)


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