Saturday, August 20, 2011

The News

This morning, after waking up, I snuggled with Harris on the couch. He is such a sweet boy with his mamas. He rolled over on top of me, lifted my shirt and kissed my tummy. "Good morning little brother or sister" he said in a sweet, yet completely serious voice. In that moment, I wanted to die.

We haven't told him yet that there is not a baby there. I might not actually tell him, but I feel guilty at the same time. He is so excited, but then I also think that because he is only 3.5, he probably wouldn't notice if the baby took an extra 2 months to bake...

Like many have said before me, I know that this miscarriage is not my fault. I know that there is nothing that I could have done or not done to change the outcome, but I can't help but feel like I have stolen something from my family. Like I took a gift away from Harris that I had just barely handed to him. It actually feels like the same kind of mourning I had right before Stella was born. The feeling that I was taking something away from Harris by adding another child to our lives. I mourned the loss of time and attention I knew he would no longer get, and as much as I knew how much joy a sibling could bring to his life, I felt like I was taking something away instead.

The second round of pills did even less than the first. I took them, and absolutely nothing happened. No cramps at all, no bleeding at all. To think- all of that good vicodin, going to waste. Tisk tisk tisk.

I have a D&C scheduled for Monday morning, bright and early. I just want it to be over. I just want to switch back from "damage control" to "optimistically trying to conceive".

Someone pass me the tissues, eh?

6 comments:

  1. I've been away from the computer for a while, so this is the first I'm seeing this. I'm so, so sorry. :(

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  2. Ugh, Im so sorry. You have a wonderful family and you are amazing parents, I have complete faith that you will find the best way for everyone to handle this loss. Call me if you need anything.

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  3. I'm so sorry Lynn. My thoughts are with you and Mindi and the kids. <3

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  4. That is the sweetest thing i've ever heard.

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  5. Catching up after being away for a bit... So sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I had a blighted ovum too, ended up with a d&c which wasn't too bad physically, just painful to my heart, esp before the surgery when everyone kept asking if I knew what procedure I was having done. Assholes, read the damn chart! I hope your experience was better and you recover quickly (physically, I know emotionally these things always stay with us)

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