Saturday, November 8, 2008

Perplexed

So, Mindi and Harris and I all go shopping at the grocery store. We all have a great time trying out the gigantic car cart (I do NOT recommend it if you are a small female!!), watching Harris try to pull the buns off the shelves, enjoying warm smiles from other shoppers (at the boy of course!) and weaving our way through bin after beautiful bin of organic bulk food. We smile the whole way, giggling with our little cutie. We get to the register, check out, and smile to ourselves about our small grocery bill (meal planning works to keep costs down!), and head out to our car. Just as we are about to pass through the big doors to the parking lot, we are intercepted by another pleasant Harris admirer, joking about how he is spoiled by his mom(s)... or was she?

woman: You guys must be doing something bad to that baby!

us: **smile**

woman: He was staring at me and at other people, I mean, the way he looks right into people's eyes...

us: **smile**

woman: It's so sad...

us:** raising our eyebrows, completely perplexed**

woman: **starts walking away, looking disgusted** It is SO sad!

me:I'm sorry, I really don't understand what you mean...

woman: **shoots me a sad/dirty/angry look and bolts out of the door as If she had just witnessed me smear dog crap on my baby's face...**

Mindi and I couldn't understand for the life of us, what this woman was saying. She was obviously very upset about something that she felt that she had witnessed. We have thought about the commentary for a few hours now, and we still cannot come up with a logical explanation of what she was saying to us. I mean, if you remove the comment about how Harris looks at people in the eye (which he always does at the store), then that would lead me to believe that she was referring to the fact that we are 2 women raising a baby... And, although I obviously wouldn't agree with that kind of thinking, it would make sense to me- but it is that eye contact comment that is totally confusing us...

Let's re-evaluate:

"You guys must be doing something bad to that baby"
-Ok, well, this is fairly straight-forward- she thinks that we are doing something bad to the baby
"He was staring at me and other people, I mean, the way he looks right into people's eyes..." (she was shaking her head at this point in disapproval)
-This was the weird comment. The only thing that I can pull from it, was that she felt that Harris was looking so intently at her and others, almost in an effort to say "help me"...
"It's so sad...it's so sad..."
-Lady, it is too bad you didn't expound on what is so sad about it...

I realize that, like the Pisces that I am, I am evaluating this to an extreme, but it something that REALLY bothered both myself and Mindi alike. I never denied that we may be faced with negative commentary about being lesbian moms, but this particular instance didn't necessarily seem like a homophobe moment...

Please, dear readers and lurkers, I would REALLY value your take on what the hell this woman was trying to say to us....

Please respond!!

20 comments:

  1. hi, so I hate to tell you but Im guessing its a lesbo mom comment made by a woman who is completely naive to the wonderful world of us gays (gasp!). Im from the wonderful upper midwest remember? Ive dealt with naive comments for quite some time now and basically none of them make any sense! So here is what happened from a fellow analyitical pisces viewpoint: She saw 2 moms and a baby when she was in the store...she got disgusted because she is a bigot (sorry, Im bitter).....she could find nothing wrong with your beautiful son or with the way that you 2 were parenting him.....so she spent her shopping trip fumming about the situation and when she bumped into you on the way out she blurted out something stupid that she found a way to justify in her head! It is dumb and unfair and makes no sense, but there you have it, my analysis, and Ive heard my fair share of unjustified homonegativity comments in my day! ok, love ya and miss ya!!

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  2. she was old?? I bet it was something about being two mom's.

    She was probably referring to his eye contact as some sort of scream from his soul.

    ugh... i'm sorry.

    i can see that your amazing mom's... just by reading your blog... I wonder how beautiful your maternal glow is in person. :)

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  3. I'm going with Crystal's analysis here.

    My thought was that once face to face with you, even though obviously angry and upset, she couldn't figure out what to say so it came out bizarre. Sort of like in high school when someone insults you and fifteen minutes later you think of the perfect comeback.

    Anyway, I'm sorry you had to experience this. It's ridiculous and uncalled for.

    Try not to let it bother you. And maybe it would be a good idea to have an action plan if confronted with someone like this again? Know what you want to say to the bigots in this world when / if you're confronted with them.

    Oh yeah, love your blog!

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  4. It was left over election misplaced anger residue. Wipe it off and move on. You are an excellent Mom I witnessed it first hand, your son is extremely well balanced, content and full of peace and happiness,which comes from both you and your wife, where as this woman obviously not well balanced and has major issues..maybe the whole subscription.

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  5. am a lurker= coming out to say the only thing wrong was the woman who made a comment like that. she obviously has problems, though I wouldn't say its about politics or you being two moms, that making an excuse! but its more likely something not right in her mind/head. how sad for her that she can twist something so innocent as a child's interest in fellow shoppers into something bad. looking into people's eyes- come on, that is a wonderful thing to do. don't waste another second on her- except to feel sorry for someone whose view of the world is so off.

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  6. Um, she sounds mental to me. That is such a strange thing to say. I'm sorry. I would have been left with a confused and awful feeling after that. If someone says something homophobic, at least you know it and can respond. I think the thing that bothers me is that you didn't get a chance to respond because you didn't know what the hell she was talking about. Anyway, let's just leave it at that she was a bit mental.

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  7. oh, the mommy drive-by. i hate those. i basically agree with your analysis- she was either reacting to the 2 mom-ness or the "cry for help" from his eyes (which is so lifetime movie i kind of have to laugh) or both, and she couldn't come up with a way of articulating her disapproval that didn't sound bigoted or crazy. i've also seen a fair amount of disapproval leveled at moms from older folks that basically amounts to "omgz, yer doin it WRONNNNNGGG" but there's no real specific complaint, just shaming.

    no matter what, i'm really sorry it happened to you all.

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  8. Sounds like a homophobe comment to me. Seems to me she thought Harris was miserable being raised by 2 moms and was pleading with other adults to rescue him by looking them intently in the eye. Ugh.

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  9. Babies at Harris's age always look at strangers when they're out in public--its how they learn. That lady had nothing better to say; she clearly was not comfortable seeing a happy baby with his moms.
    From everything I've read in your blog, trust me, Lynn, you and Mindi are doing a great job raising your son! Keep up the good work! p.s. Kelly 's little girl Kara was born on 09/17.

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  10. Wow. Okay, first off, babies stare at people - there is nothing weird about that....so unless she's off her rocker (which I think she probably is) for thinking it is odd for babies to stare at people, my guess would be that she thought it was "sad" that Harris was being raised by 2 mommies. I interpreted it like you did, like maybe his eyes were saying "help me" (yeah right!).....

    So sorry that you had to experience this after such a lovely time at the store. People like that shouldn't be allowed to go out in public.

    Love to both you wonderful Mommies and your adorable little man...hopefully you won't experience anything like that again.

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  11. That's really weird. Maybe she's just a paranoid schitzophrenic? Or she thinks it's sad that your son is so darn cute? Who knows. . . definately weird though.

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  12. I truly think the woman was wacko and very possibly homophobic. Unfortunately she won't likely be the only one out there. A friend once suggested practicing now how you would explain this to the baby if he were old enough to understand this woman's bizarre comment. That way you won't be caught off gaurd. It's so unfortunate that such a beautiful and loving family like your has to be subjected to crazy woman like that -- try not to take it too personally and do your best to forget about it. (from one Pisces to another!) Best, Liz

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  13. it sounds like that lady was a b*tch. im sorry. she's probably trying to make you feel bad, as though your son is SO desperately crying out for help that he is staring people in the eye.

    this lady is a bitch, and totally psycho if she's imaging this stuff.

    im coming off a really bitter few weeks of rallying against Prop 8. I have never had so many horribly ugly words (and objects!) thrown at me, simply over who I am.

    This woman will die old, and alone, and a jerk. Your family is beautiful, loving, and you are making this world a better place. Your child will be one more voice of fairness, unconditional love. :)

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  14. Maybe this woman was bitter at seeing a lovely family with parents who obviously adore their son. Bitter that she's never had the same and wishing her life could be so fulfilling. Too bad for her! (This all from a snarky Scorpio viewpoint.)

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  15. It's impossible to analyze without the context of body language and tone. When I first read it, I thought she was joking with the "you must be doing something bad" and that the "it's so sad" was about Prop 8 failing, but maybe I'm projecting my world view there?

    When I see a baby out in public with two adoring women, I don't go "oh man look at those two lesbians and their baby." Maybe this is because my best friend and I were "two mommies" to her daughter for a good few years only we happened to be straight? Certainly we never got nasty glares or snide comments, but then we didn't have society telling us we were doing something wrong so we were neither expecting them nor looking for them, and we're both really thick skinned.

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  16. My immediate thought is that she is a paranoid schizophrenic that was reading your baby looking into her eyes as something personal to her. Looking through her so to speak... which is very disconcerting to them (schizo's). I have a family member who is and I could picture him saying the same thing, not about a baby, but about someone looking 'too deeply' at him. It doesn't make sense to me that it is a lesbian mom thing.

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  17. Honestly, it doesn't sound like a homophobic comment. It sounds like someone thinks that you abuse your child and he is consequently crying out for help in public by looking people deeply in the eye. However, I don't know how she would come to this bizarre conclusion. I think that if she were homophobic the comment would have been more about setting an example or about a lack of a male role model or something. It sounds like she is uninformed and HIGHLY judgmental, but not necessarily about gays.

    Regardless, a comment like that would bother me I confess. However, it was clearly made by a very ignorant and outspoken woman who really has no business speaking her mind in public. Just look at this board and see how many people think she's nuts! :-)

    With much love!! - Stacey

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  18. Sounds like a mix of homophobic and super-crazy.

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  19. This woman has no idea that children who have a secure attachment to thier 'Parents' who ever they are can look at people in the eyes, those that have not been given the security or love they require will NOT look you in the eye. Belive me I have learned this through training in my job and we are far far more worried when children can NOT look you in the eye. She is stupid. Ignore her. You have done and are doing a Fantastic job!!!

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  20. Welcome to the wonderful world of parenting. Bizarre comments (although I've never had one that bizarre) come to us all...my favorite are the passive aggressive "I don't know how you do it!" translation: "Your kid is out of control right now!" You just have to be secure in the fact that you're doing the best you can and that your best is really good.

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