Friday, April 11, 2008

Who's Your Daddy?

You know what drives me bonkers? When people, who are supportive and/or simply curious about my alternative family, specifically in the donor/resulting baby concept, refer to the donor as "the father".

What color eyes does "the father" have? What kind of hair does "the father" have? How old is "the father". Are you going to have your next baby with "the same father"?

Um, no... no no no no no no no no no no no

there is NO FATHER people...

there is a Donor
there is biological matter
there is sperm
there is a Doctor
and a nurse
and some drugs
and a few speculums thrown in for good measure, But, there is NOT and never HAS been, and never WILL be a "father".

For the love of lesbians people, that guy- yeh, you know the one... he does have a title... it's not "the father"

it is simply: Donor 2452


  1. omg, I'm so with you here. Our landlord, who LOVES her some lesbian tennants and is more than supportive and excited about our new family, always asks about "the father". She is so curious, and she is old, so we let her slide with it. But it does drive me crazy...
    We used DP's bro - even his gf and DP's mother often refer to him as "daddy". I could smack them...seriously. Soon Z is going to start understanding what is being said and if they don't get out of the habit NOW, they are going to create a conversation long before it's due. Uuugghhh..don't get me started. :)

  2. Amen!We could not agree more with you!!!

  3. I get into this with Jen's family ALL THE TIME. And it sucks even more that's it's JEN'S FAMILY, because they are totally pushing HER out of the picture with all of that father talk!

    I just answer with, "The DONOR has..." and eventually they squirm a little bit. But they never stop! Argh!!

    If it was my family, I would be ruder and say, "My kid doesn't have a father," but with them I feel like I have to be more polite.

  4. Exactly. The term "father" implies a form of social/parental responsibility. This baby has two loving mommies, and got here with the help of some doctors, a donor, and baby dust. :) PS - what a cute baby!! Been reading this blog for a month, and am finally de-lurking.

  5. amen! and, what was even more annoying for me was a situation where i corrected the "perpetrator" and replaced "father" with "donor" and I was accused of being defensive. oh, what fun!

  6. Well said lady! Can't tell you how many times we've had to SPELL.IT.OUT for people. Ridiculous.

  7. I think you may be missing the part where the donor is a human being. The part where usually the male half of a genetic person is called "father" or "dad" regardless of his parental input.

    As the mother of a child conceived in this way I find it offensive that many women would like ignore the genetic truth. This of course is different then being a parent, but it does mean that another person contributed to my family. I respect that person, and I am gentle with people who don't know what terms I use and may simply be curious about my family. I always can choose to decline to answer questions about my family.

    Throwing around a donor ID is just crass. I have chosen not to know the families of my child because I believe that some things are private, and that some things he should have exclusive rights to share. I nearly choked when I read your post. Of course it's your right to share any of your private business you choose, but I really felt it was insensitive to those of us who don't want to know if you picked the same donor.

    I'm eternally thankful to the man who made my family possible. He deserves only good things in life, and especially he deserves respect. Without him my family would not be possible.

  8. Dear Anonymous,

    Thank you for your thought-provoking comment. I realize that eveyone views these matters differently, and I certainly appreciate hearing other people's take on the matter. I do understand, and agree that the donor is, in fact, a human being, however, for our purposes, he is no such thing. That was part of the glory for us that is an "anonymous donor". We specifically picked a donor that did not want to EVER be known, because we simply wanted the genes that he literally sold to us. We purchased a product. The product was called 2452. But don't worry, anonymous, I won't tell you what store we bought it from.

    And for the record, I have NEVER corrected anyone that referred to our donor as "father". I am a "let it slide" kind of gal. I just felt I would share my feelings in the blog because Family Style Love is my outlet.

    I greatly enjoyed your commentary. I found it to be well thought out and portrayed in a manner that was not hurtful. Thank you anonymous- and have a great day!

    -Lynn :)

  9. Hey Ren, if you are still wondering, you can email me at


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